John's Journal

Entry of the 7th of July, 1968

Entry Title: Birth of a God

I have observed these beings I have come to call gods over a very long time, but never before have I seen one in the making. Previously I believed that all gods simply came into being at the same time as humans did, many thousands of years ago. There are exceptions, yes, but aside from greater beings like Life and Death they are simply human quantities that have and will always exist. This is different though, and it has been made clear that this situation will require careful observation.

I speak of course of a boy in the north of the United States, one young John Presence. He came out of the womb early, almost three full weeks, and so is small and weak but still he struggles on. Though he was born mere days ago he shows signs of rapid aging, understanding most of what is going on around him. The physiologists who have examined him believe he will speak within a a few short days, and it is unknown what will happen afterwards, though a great amount of experimentation is expected. This young boy though seems to repulse all those who study him. It is not because he is physically ugly either, he is a very average, though small, boy.

It is almost as if there is a field around him that prevents anyone from getting close. The doctors tell me that even his own mother dislikes to hold him. She loves him when he is at an arms distance, but she can not hold him for longer than several minutes without putting him down. I will have to see this for myself of course and I will depart soon, but I believe he may represent something more than a mere boy. I believe he represents the very concept of Repulsion, and that as he grows there will be more obvious signs of this godly power.

Entry of the 13th of July, 1968

Entry Title: Impossible Abilities

It seems I was correct in my assertion, this boy is something much more than his outward appearance indicates. It is strange that something like this would occur in this day and age, I though tall the gods had been born, but apparently the world is much more malleable than I expected. The boy is speaking now, though he does not understand grammar he can still communicate in a rudimentary fashion. He has also began to crawl, and is showing many signs of mental development far greater than even I anticipated.

However ignoring these developments he has also shown something positively impossible, he has the ability to move objects without touching them. This was first evidenced when upon being giving milk he threw the bottle across the room without even touching it. I was not in the room, but from what I here the reactions were to be expected, with doctors and nurses swarming in to observe this strange behaviour. I have heard of cases similar to this, though with different abilities, though I never imagined that something like this would occur in my lifetime.

Since then the boy has thrown several things across the room, though nothing larger than a bottle. It seems that he is still gaining control of this power, though if he ever does it is difficult to imagine what he might do with it. It has been determined that John will become a property of the state since the mother seems unwilling to care for him, as she is repulsed even by his presence now. I do not know what this will do to the boy's mental state, but it surely will not be good for his development.

From now on I will be one of his watchers, a group of government employees from a number of nations who have been commissioned to observe him at all times. The press has not yet picked up on this, and we will attempt to shut out the media but it is inevitable this will get out, by bribes if nothing else. When that happens who knows what kind of reaction the public will have, if they will want to burn him like a witch or worship him like a god. I pray for his soul if that ever happens, for whatever way the public chooses it will not end well for him.

Entry of the 27th of May, 1970

Entry Title: Progress

The boy now talks like someone over twice his age, I suspect that before he is five he will be more literate than most adults. His thirst for knowledge is impressive, and I suspect the only thing that keeps him going day to day as he is locked up in this cell we have created for him. Since his second birthday we moved him to a small house with a decent sized yard but I can tell he yearns for more. For now he is content with the books we have given him, though I suspect if he wants to escape he will, and there is little we can do to stop him.

Last week he moved his bed closer to the window. It is clear that he could not do it himself, so he must have used his power. This shows an unexpected increase in power since what he has last demonstrated. I still do not know if he can move people, and we hesitate to experiment, but it seems it is only a matter of time, and not much of it.

In my off days I have been searching news stories and the birth records of two years ago looking for his double. Every god I have observed has had an opposite. The relationship is often difficult to ascertain, especially with these more human qualities, but they are often intimately related. So far there has been nothing that seems unusual, though I will continue searching. Given how covered up this boy's birth was it is also possible that the girl has been hidden from the world as well, possibly in a similar are of confinement.

Within the next five years I intend to find this girl, no matter what it takes. It is imperative they meet, especially at an early age. I am sure that Fate has something to say about this as well, but I can always help things along. I do wish that I could meet one of them, and they could tell me what I should do, but alas none of the gods have shown, not even some of the lesser ones.

Entry of the 19th of December, 1975

Entry Title: Christmas

Soon it will be Christmas, a day that John looks forward to very much. We always get him new books at Christmas, and at his birthday, and though he has a nearly inexhaustible library he treasures these more than anything else. He especially likes the book I get him, and I suspect that means he likes me. I also suspect that is the reason he has not left. His powers have grown so much, that if he wanted to leave there is nothing we could do to stop him.

Yesterday we decided to try throwing snowballs at him and see if he could stop them. It seemed like it was barely any effort for him, and just like many recent exercises he seems to grow bored with the constrained tests we do. I can see in his eyes that he wishes we would really test him. The army wants to try shooting bullets by him, but we have decided it is too dangerous, after all he is just a boy.

Now though he doesn't like to be called boy anymore, and given his mental state I have adhered to that. It seems though that his "repulsion field' as I have grown to call it has grown stronger. The maids that we hire rarely last for more than a couple of weeks before asking to be re-assigned. I am one of a small group of watchers who have stayed, and all of the new watchers last longer than a month. I have noticed that sometimes the boy physically pushes people away, not on purpose, but simply by his presence others are forced away. I believe this is a manifestation of his powers, and one that he can not control consciously. It affects those who have been with him longest less, but there is still a noticeable pull. I believe it is now impossible for him to live a normal life.

I still have not found the girl who is John's opposite and it torments me to no end. Now that there are fewer watchers I have less and less time to go out and try to find her, though I still search the records at the library on my off-days. The weather here is cold but I don't mind, it kind of reminds me of home. I doubt I'll ever see that place again.

Entry of the 5th of February, 1978

Entry Title: Gone

John walked out today. I had known it was coming for some time, but I still prayed that he would wait for a few more years at least. Now a boy of nine has gone and will be forced to make his own way. I don't doubt that he can do it, after all he can take anything he wants to and no one can stop him, but still I fear that it will destroy him mentally. I tried to stop him, we all did, but he refused to listen to us, and walked out the gates. He showed his power too, he ripped the gates off their hinges and threw them into the street, though he did not harm us. He said we'd been good to him, and he regretted leaving, but he had to go and see the world for himself.

I don't blame him really, though I fear that once the world is aware of his presence things will get a lot more complicated. Maybe he will find his opposite, something that I could never do. If he doesn't I'm afraid a huge gulf will appear between him and humanity, as his repulsion field has grown stronger. Now it is not just people who are repulsed, it is objects. I have seen him fly, just a few inches off the ground but still, his power is greater than we ever anticipated. He will be worshiped as a god, and he knows it, though he detests it.

I told him about the gods that I had discovered, about how the world works, and he laughed at me. He said that it doesn't really matter what people believe, they are all proved wrong in the end. Maybe it is his readings that have given him this idea, or maybe his twisted sense of reality wherein everyone has abandoned him, even me. In those final days none of us could get close to him, and in the end we all stopped trying. In all likelihood he will survive better than the rest of us who have lived with him for these ten years, I don't know what I will do now that he is gone.

Entry of the 4th of July, 1982

Entry Title: War

They tried to kill John. I don't know what government did it, no one does really, though we all have suspicions. It doesn't really matter now anyway, they didn't succeed. Apparently John has been sufficiently paranoid these past years, especially after footage of him ripping up trees surfaced. The bullet stopped about a foot from him and was sent back to kill whoever shot it. After that everything kind of went to chaos, as John was living in New York at the time, and the UN declared John was too dangerous, and he had to be stopped.

It turns out that killing John was not as easy as decreeing it. The streets filled with tanks and soldiers and the skies filled with planes and helicopters but it didn't help. John has become a God, as powerful as any deity in any mythology, at least to us. He ripped cars from the street and ripped people apart. They never stood a chance, as he blocked their bullets and sent them back. From the little footage that was available it seems he even ripped up a small building and crushed a tank with it. I believe that only one of the original watchers or I can stop him now. Though he has not yet decided that humanity is reprehensible given his current state it is only a matter of time, and then no one will live.

I have found someone I believe might be his partner, if they were to meet then maybe we stand a chance. She was born several years earlier than him which is why I couldn't find her before. From what I understand she has developed quite a following in her home town. I hope to find her and convince her to help John, otherwise the consequences could be most dire.

Entry of the 10th of May, 1985

Entry Title: The End

John decided not to end humanity. It took a long time to find him, and even longer to convince him but I believe Anna is truly his partner. Together they are finally at peace. I do not know what will happen next, but it seems that they are done with this world. It seems I am done with this world as well, though in a different way. I was diagnosed about a year ago with terminal cancer and though they have done so much treatment it doesn't seem to be helping. I suspect we will leave at the same time, John and me, though to different destinations.

I can leave the world in peace though, knowing that whatever I did I made a difference, I saved people. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had gone with my first instinct upon seeing that babe in that room, that new god. If he had died then it would have saved so many lives, but instead I saved his. Now he ascends, and whatever happens next at least it will be over.

'tis the season

Only one country
would reduce all the colors
and smells
and texture
and life
and death
to a simple word
Fall

A Night in Scotland

There is a lonely man sitting on a cliff just off the edges of civilization somewhere in the hills of Scotland. He doesn't quite remember getting there, though he knows why he came. He wears a tattered suit and his skin is as white as the foam beneath him. Really all he wanted was to be alone for once in his very, very long life but alas, he couldn't even get that. Beside him now sits a woman wearing what looks something like a funeral gown, frightening thin though it is she does not seem to be bothered by the cold. Both of them have their legs hanging out over the oblivion beneath. There is silence aside from the sea. Finally the man speaks.

"I don't know why you're here but I don't think it's for the right reasons. Of course I'm not sure I'm here for the right reasons. In fact I'm no longer sure if any of us are here for the right reasons. Maybe I'm just musin', been known to do that on occasion. It wasn't your business that started this, I just want you to know that. Certainly didn't help though, but didn't cause this. Nothing really caused this, I mean it's just time right, starts and end all things. Bit odd though isn't it, I never met him. Don't even know if he exists, only one who'd know that and doubt she's telling. Don't mean to drone on though, sure there's something you want to say. Some explanation I suppose, well I'm all ears."

The woman bit her lip and looked at the man. Her eyes were as white as the first snow yet radiated immense darkness. "What happened between us, do you know why? I suppose you must, after all you seem to know everything don't you. I know a great many things, or at least thought I did, but even still I'm not sure why it had to happen like it did. I guess he was just tired, I mean we all get tired, the days stretch on and on. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to pun. He just, he gets a bit sensitive sometimes and acts very rashly. He didn't mean anything by it. After you left we sorted some things out, I mean it'll be years before I trust or even see him again but it's all a bit better now. He won't have me killed again at least, and that's better than nothing."

"That's not why I'm here though. I've put all that behind me, and you should too. I'm here because you need somebody and you seem afraid to call her. You know she'd come and listen right? She'd protect you from whatever you're running from. Life, she would understand what you're going to more than any of us." The woman looks at the man inquisitively. "Or is it because of her, has something happened?"

"No, nothing has happened. That's the problem though, right. She's been around for ages and I haven't. No matter what I remember or what I've been through she will have always seen more and lived more. She's the progenitor right, and I'm just, I'm nothing compared to that. None of us are. I mean what do you do? Don't mean nothing by it but she is, she's on a 'nother level right. That's why I can't talk to her, I just feel like I ain't in it now. I don't know if you get what I mean, it's a bit much even for me and I been around a long time."

The woman shakes her head as she looks at the man who simply trails off and stairs out at the sea and the setting sun. "You idiot. She loves you you know. I know she loves everyone but you, she loves you the most. If you just go to her, if you talk to her she will help you. I know you didn't come out here just to think, and I can even hazard a guess as to what you're planning to do. Problem is though, you know it won't work. You seen the death of everything right. Nah, that's not right. You see the death of everything, right now, at this very moment. You can see it all come to an end, but you can't see your own. That's what's troubling you isn't it? You don't see the mantle passing and you don't know what it means."

"I got a few words for that, and though I haven't been around for that long here's what I think. You know things about everyone else right, you know the end of the fish down there and the tree up here and even this whole thing we're standing on, but you don't know shit about yourself do you? That's the way it's supposed to work I figure. For things like us, it isn't all predetermined. You explained it once though didn't you, you know the date and the time but you don't know where to be until that exact moment. You don't choose when your hourglass runs out but you do choose where and why right? Or at least the lucky ones do. That's how it works for all this real stuff, but we are different aren't we? You can't see my thread can you?"

The man called Death stared at her. "No, no I can't can I."

"It's the uncertainty then right, that's what scares you. Bit bloody ironic then isn't it, only thing that Death is afraid of is death. Same situation with the rest of us. I live through the night, the dreams and hidden desires of the world, but often I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, especially after that thing with Day. I shouldn't need to know though. I should just accept things as they happen, and try to make the world a bit of a better place. That's what I'm going to do, but what about you, I suppose that's the million dollar question."

"I could jump I suppose. Land in the water or on the rocks I don't think it would matter. That could be my end."

"You don't believe that."

"No. If I did jump I think I would just emerge somewhere else. There are a thousand people dieing right now and there will be more every second until this all comes to an end. If I were to leap I think I'd just be in Prague, or maybe Nigeria, or any other place where the dead need escorting. You know what they say, there are only two things that are certain in life, death and taxes. I'm not so sure about that second one. I help people though, not even just the dead ones either. I helped a little girl, and a broken man, and a poor old sinner. Some asked and others begged but it didn't really matter, I would have helped either way. I guess that's why I'm still here, I just wish, hmm, I don't know."

Death stood up and walked over to the nearest tree. The leaves on it had already fallen onto the ground and into the sea and it was stripped bare. There was a small hole in the bark and he reach in and brought out a shivering bird. He brought it close to his mouth and whispered something into its ear. Pulling it back he released it and it sped off away from the sea, never looking back. "Sometimes I just want to have it all done with. I mean I lived a good life, a solid two hundred years which is a bit better than most I figure. Didn't like my work for any of it, but that just comes with the territory I suppose. Problem is though I can't leave this job on some poor cunt, because I've been doing it for so long it's just part of me now. You ever wonder about the creator? The one before all? I do, every day, but 'course only one who met him was Life right, and she ain't talking, not about the big stuff."

Walking back over to the cliffside Death stretches and yawns. "It's my vigil now though. From now until then, I'll be the one to catch 'em when they fall. Don't like it, but I'm not sposed to I reckon. Well, what do you figure about all of this. Think I'll head off soon, right once the sun goes down. Got work to do right?"

Night stood up and took Death's hands. "You are a great man for taking on this task. Others of us, we were born gods. I have never known anything else but you, you have been mortal. There are tales, whispers of ways to circumvent and cheat and steal mortality, even if only for a moment. I have considered it, I have even sought it, but I will never be mortal and I acknowledge this. It is best not to tread the lines between worlds as it is only pain that lies on either side. I would die a thousand deaths to have lived the way you have. It may be of little comfort but know that all of us have hope because of you. A mortal who became a god not because he had to but because there was no one else who could."

"I have watched you, and even with the greatest burden you have born it the best. Nothing more could be asked, in that you have endured longer than any before you, but I must beg you, do not give up hope. I love you truly, more than any of the others who have taken on your task. I have no right to ask the impossible of you but I feel I must. Please exist, if only for another day, for another year. I know you see so much pain and it hurts you so but only because you are so human, so true." Night looked out over the darkening sky. "I have to go now, you do as well. Whatever you decide to do next you will be remembered. Au revoire." She kissed Death on the forehead and walked out into the night, passed the stars and moon and into the sky.

Soon the full moon had risen and cast a great reflection on the sea, illuminating the cliff in full. There was no longer a man there, only a tree which had been stripped bare, but now had a single leaf holding on to the end of its longest branch. It fluttered in the wind but it did not let go and soon it let up. Then there was only slow swooshing of the water's waves below.

Paintings

Her blood was charcoal
Dark as midnight
Spread about the page
Haphazard
Smeared
Unsure

He didn't mean it
No one ever really does
And yet it lay there
Still
Unmoving
Breathing

Just barely
On the edge
Afraid to go
Nowhere
Exile
Eternity

It all washes away
The colors turn to fade
As the boy turns away
Done
Finished
Gone

The Painter

Tim was an artist. That was all he ever wanted to be from the time that he was five. On the first day of kindergarten all the children were asked to draw a picture of their house, and they were given crayons to do it with. Tim was amazed by this, the creation of something that was more than himself, and from that moment on decided that all he wanted to do with his life was be an artist. Tim however was not a normal little boy. His mother and father knew it for a long time, but they didn't tell anyone.

When he was a little baby Tim never cried. His parents thought it was odd but were grateful for it, as their previous child, Oliver, had cried for days and days. Tim never made a sound, even when something bad happened; Tim was always so quiet. However when something bad would happen to someone else Tim would laugh. From a very tender age Tim laughed at any cause of pain, any source of anguish. He didn't mean anything by it, he just delighted in the pain of others and could not be convinced otherwise.

That was just the start of it, as Tim grew older he stayed just as quiet, as introverted as before, but now he also disappeared for long periods of time. From the time he was two he began to toddle off into the backyard and into the street, but he always came back for dinner, and when his parents looked for him they never seemed to find anything. No one seemed to notice Tim, they just never knew where to look. His brother noticed though, as siblings tend to do. Sometimes he followed Tim, to make sure he didn't get into trouble, or at the very least they were equally involved in whatever mischief the young boy would get into.

Most of the time Tim still managed to get away, but one day he didn't and decided to show Oliver just what he had been doing. He was older now, almost five and a half, and talking more eloquently than boys twice his age. Tim lived in suburbia, far from the dangers of the city and there was a small forest behind his house. His parents had made sure the forest was safe, with no dangerous animals, only squirrels and rabbits and maybe the neighborhood cat. The cat was named Patches for his discolored fur, and was beloved by all the children of the area. Tim loved the cat just as much as any other child, perhaps even more, playing with it at every chance, tousling its fur and playing with its tail.

Sometimes we destroy the things we love though, and as Tim and his brother traveled through the forest they eventually came upon a clearing. Hidden out of site by a veritable wall of bushes and trees it seemed that no one besides Tim had been there for many days if not months. Unlike the well-walked path of the rest of the forest the ground was rough and uneven. In the middle of the clearing was a large stone upright and white as the the full moon on a clear night. Lying next to it was Patches, dead.

The bottom of the cat had been opened from groin to neck, and all the organs had been extracted and placed in a meticulous fashion in a small pile just to the side of it, almost like a medical practitioner dissecting a corpse. Stowed neatly beside it was a large knife that had mysteriously disappeared from the kitchen a few days earlier. The cat had been drained of blood completely and the stone had been decorated with it, showing the cat as it had been in life. The drawing was crude but Tim stood confidently, proud of his creation. Oliver could do nothing but stare, and after almost half a minute he turned away and vomited, spewing brown sludge all over the ground.

Tim looked disappointed at this, and asked "Did you not like it? I know I'm not that good yet but I will be soon, I just need more practice." Oliver just turned at him and stared, before shouting.

"You killed Patches!" Oliver was a worldly boy and understood the concepts of life and death having lost his goldfish just a few weeks previous. "You're a monster! I'm telling mom and dad."

"No you can't!" Shouted Tim. "I want to tell them myself, to show them my drawing. It's mine and not yours. Patches was going to die soon anyway, they all are, I just helped it a bit."

Oliver could only stare as Tim started picking up leaves carefully and arranging them into a sort of basket. Carrying it over to Oliver he stepped away, and Tim scooped down and picked up all the vomit, then he left the little hideaway leaving Oliver alone with the painting and the dead cat. Oliver knew that Tim would be in trouble, and that what had happened was not right. However he wasn't sure if he should tell his parents, because it seemed like it was such a big thing, the kind of thing that might get reported to the police, and he didn't want that for his brother.

Looking around shiftily Oliver moved over to pick up the cat and move it to somewhere that neither Tim nor his Parents could it. As if on cue the bushes rustled behind him and he jumped and nearly shouted, only for Tim to emerge from them dusting his hands off. They both stared at one another for awhile then and Tim asked "What are you doing?"

Oliver gulped and said. "I'm getting rid of this, it's dirty and you could get sick. You can't show this to mom she'll get angry, and it's not very good anyway, she wouldn't like it. It doesn't even look like a cat." Tim looked disheartened and stared down, tears forming in his eyes. Oliver never followed his brother again.

It took Tim a long time to build up his confidence again, because one of the few people he actually cared about in the world was his brother, and his disappointment almost drove Tim to depression. Eventually though he was drawn back to his art, and began creating grander and more intricate paintings. He didn't show his parents until he was ten, and by that time his projects had grown to bigger animals. It had started when the neighborhood dogs began disappearing, not very quickly but over the period of several months almost a dozen dogs disappeared. Some were small and some were large but they all went missing equally.

The parents blamed wolves in the woods and had a large search party look for them, but found nothing. Tim believed that if anyone found his works before they were done they wouldn't be appreciated in the way he wanted them to be. He was creating a masterpiece, and he knew that if anyone saw something so amazing before it was done it would ruin the effect. His canvas was various canvases stolen from school and various art stores all around, though some were bought by his parents to encourage his burgeoning talent. He hated drawing with paints or pencils though, it was so limiting compared to the lifeblood that he found elsewhere.

After almost six months his best work was done, and Tim decided it was time to show his parents. He gathered up all the canvases from the small cave in the forest where they were hidden, and made sure the corpses were sorted and stored in the proper places. The Great Dane had been the most difficult and he was sure that someone would find it, but no one looked up, and Tim was a good climber, especially when it was in pieces. Arriving at his home his parents were out with his brother at some sort of movie or event that Tim did not care for, as he spent almost all his time walking in the woods and painting or imagining.

When they came home he showed it off, displayed stacked one on top of another lying against the living room wall. His parents were dumbfounded and his brother stared at Tim scared that he had been up to his old tricks and terrified of the consequences. The painting he had created was a multicolored rendering of the forest with crimson forming the outlines and other liquids adding depth and shadow. An image of a deer feasting on a dead dog was the center piece of the image. That had been the most challenging for Tim to take down, and to recreate, but Tim was happy how it turned out.

They asked him how he had made it and he told them the truth, he used the elements of nature to color in and add the sense of realism that he had strived for. They shared a look and wondered what to do with their boy who was obviously disturbed by the image he had seen in the forest, they thought he would never do something like that normally. They sent him to a psychiatrist who saw him for several weeks before deciding there was nothing more he could do, as from what Tim said there was no issue, just a strange painting. He told Tim's parents that it was probably nothing, and encouraging creative development was good for the boy, and it was normal at that age.

Tim didn't tell him the things he did, he always kept those to himself, as he had decided that it would be no one else's business how he made his art, especially after the reaction of his brother. Despite the doctor's reassurances though his parents worried about him and encouraged other pursuits like sports and academics, anything but painting. Tim didn't listen though, as he knew he was destined to be an artist. He grew up like this, grew into a strong teenager who was thought of as perfectly normal at school, not picked on or hated, nor particularly liked or cared about, he was simply Tim, the normal boy. This is the mask he put on so people wouldn't treat him differently, because he thought of himself as normal.

He still painted with found materials, though they got harder and harder to find and Tim grew more and more frustrated. During his Sophmore year at school animals just didn't seem to cut it anymore as he thought he had developed as much as possible. He showed his paintings to his teachers and they complimented them, telling him how vivid the colors were and how much emotion they conveyed, but he wasn't satisfied with them. At the end of the year his brother was set to go off to college, and on the day just before he was left after the parties and the celebrations they had a very serious talk.

His brother told him that no matter what they would always be brothers, and that he may have messed up animals when he was younger but that it was okay, and that he had grown up into a great man, and he hoped he would continue to grow and become a great artist. Tim had always confided in his brother, and he knew that without him it was possible bad things would happen, that all his restraints might be gone. It was something he had feared and expected. He told his brother that he hadn't changed too much, and that is where he left it. He wanted to beg his brother not to leave, to stay and keep Tim safe, but he couldn't ask that, it would make him weak.

Tim's junior year was when he began experimenting. His art teacher was a sculptor, and she told him how she used power tools to carve, to create life from something that was merely stone. Tim loved this idea, that of using power tools to paint, to create, and after not too long he decided to try it out. His father had a selection of tools that he had acquired over many years and never used, including a number of power drills and circular saws. This was everything that Tim had wanted, and wading through the garage he thought of the possibilities, not for simply animals but also for something more, something grander.

Tim created his own life then. On his way to school he passed a large number of beggars, lying on the street with no house and no home. He did not feel sorry for them, he was just disgusted by them. Tim figured that if they had taken life and thrown it away like that maybe it was possible for him to do something better with them. It took a great degree of planning but eventually Tim managed to find a sufficiently isolated and abandoned warehouse outside of town. He slowly moved his father's power tools there, and set up a place to create life.

He though of himself as Frankenstein, and knew that before too long he would create something great, not a monster, but something beautiful. One by one he lured them to his mural. He offered them food or drinks or drugs, whatever it took, and they all came eventually. Some were suspicious but they followed their personal addiction thoroughly enough that Tim knew he had nothing to worry about. The first was a young woman who's teeth where stained from years of drug abuse. Tim had bought some drugs at school and promised that once they got back to his home away from home they could smoke it together. He never bothered to learn her name.

Once they got to the warehouse she looked around and wondered aloud what it was. That was when he hit her, hammer crushing the back of her skull. The bits of bone splattered on the newly laid canvas, and his great work began. Drills for the torso, saws for the legs, and hammers for the head. He whistled as he worked, creating a facsimile of life, in all its beauty and deceptiveness. It took him many weeks to pay for and lure enough people but once he was done he stood back and admired what he had created. It was an image of the alleyways of life right by his school, with the children frolicking in the playground and the tramps and whores begging just to eat.

It stood almost ten feet high and twenty feet across, and only with careful planning was he able to move it outside. He waited until night to move it through town, only when he was sure no one would be around or awake. He left it beside the school, propped up and protected from the elements. He signed his name at the very bottom and made sure that everyone would know that this masterpiece was his. Tim liked to think that he didn't care about recognition, that getting his art out there was the only important thing, but he knew that it could not remain anonymous, and that if anyone else tried to claim his art he would have to kill them.

When the painting was found it was examined thoroughly and know one could quite tell how it was made. The stench was covered by a particular blend of chemicals and when all the fluids and solid matter in the human body come together to form a paste it is difficult to tell what is what. When he got to school he was proud to see all the commotion he had caused. Stepping forward proudly he proclaimed to anyone listening that he had created the piece. They all believed him, they knew that he was different, that he was special, but few knew to what extent Tim really was.

He wanted to tell them all how he made it, how much effort had gone into it and how he had covered up the bodies. He knew the people wouldn't be missed because he specifically chose the ones who didn't have families, that were always alone when the others gathered to eat food and tell stories. He also made sure that the bodies would never be found, as they were buried deep in the earth in the warehouse he had found. It's floor had never been completely finished and he had found a good shovel and created a deep, deep body pit. He had found the right materials to preserve them as well. Well, what was left of them anyway.

Tim wanted to say all this, to show his perfect plan but knew he couldn't, because then it would all be pointless. Besides, he wasn't finished, this was just a start. Of course the piece resulted in a long period of therapy, and some discussion about what the school would do with it, but he knew that the whole world had seen his creation, and soon someone would want it. Within a month of his initial show several artists had come crawling around the little town and were prepared to pay ludicrous sums for his art. He didn't want the money, though he took it, but when he did he knew it was more than just a physical transferal, but a spiritual one as well.

Tim had power now, the power to send his work out, and to create things in his own time. He didn't need school, he already had his goal, his career. His parents complained, they begged him to stay in school and to continue his education but Tim knew it wouldn't be needed, that was not the way his life would read. Once he had found a buyer he had a steady source of income from his dozens of paintings throughout the years of animals and plants and death. Of course all of his works were about death in one way or another but Tim liked to think that some were about much more than that, they were about life.

Tim moved to the big city, and left his warehouse for good, burning it down and making sure there was no evidence left, and if there was the trail would lead to someone besides him. There were a number of possibilities for the lessening homeless population but no one cared to investigate. The whole community sighed in relief when Tim left however, though no one quite knew why.

When Tim moved to the big city nothing changed. Thousands of people go missing everyday, and no one remembers their names, what are a few more in that mix. Even with his own studio Tim was not content though, and often went for walks to the bad part of town. The city he moved to had a large homelessness problem and Tim saw all their pain. He knew that they didn't care what happened to themselves, that's why they drank their alcohol and did their drugs, to hide from the reality that was slowly caving in around them. He could deliver this to them, this sense of purpose. They wouldn't even know it until they were gone but he made them famous.

Sometimes he even showed a picture of them, not that it was needed, for he knew his art was perfect, but sometimes the critics wanted to know what he painted, so he showed them. Tim was happy then, he felt he was doing some good in the world, and he knew that even though some of the things he did were not appreciated by society they would understand even if they found out, and even if they didn't he would make them understand.

One day there was a boy who came to him, he was younger than Tim, though not by much. He said that he was unhappy with his life, and that Tim's work had given him purpose. He was from far away and had journeyed across the country to find Tim. He said he understood. Tim wanted to know what he understood but the boy wouldn't say, he just asked for a portrait of himself, then he would be gone. Tim considered this proposition. He had never had commissions before, no one had asked him to make anything. He knew this boy would not be happy with what would have to be done though, so Tim said no. The boy looked so disappointed when he said that, but turned and walked away. Just before leaving though the boy said something, barely above a whisper, though Tim heard all the same. He said, "I know what you are."

Tim knew that something would have to be done about this boy, he thought he had left no trace, there was no way some boy could have figured him out. Even still this made Tim very nervous, and for days he tried to paint, wandering around the city trying to find someone to inspire him, something to do to keep his mind off the boy. He found nothing though, and before too long Tim realized that there was nothing else he could do, he would have to find that boy and paint him. There had been no contact information, so Tim did not know how to find him, especially in such a big city, but soon enough the boy arrived at his front door/

Tim demanded to know how he had been found, but the boy merely smiled, unafraid. He said "You are not the only one who sees death in people. I am not as proficient as someone like you, but I am also not alone. There are many of us, I talked to them online. It's all anonymous of course, and we wouldn't ever dare to reveal you, but you are the master, and we worship you." With these words Tim was stunned. He thought his work would be impossible to identify, that no one could tell, but now he was hearing that people knew what he was, knew what he had done. This boy would only be the first, Tim knew that for sure.

He agreed though, the boy had to go. The boy walked into the studio and twirled around amazed by what he saw. However what he didn't see was what killed him, and after a sharp pain in the back of his head he fell unconsciousness. Tim did not feel right about this kill however, and the painting showed it. It showed a fragile little boy who was amazed by pain, who embraced it, but it also showed dark clouds billowing on the horizon, as Tim realized that everything would soon come to an end for him.

He had prepared for the eventuality of being found out, there were contingencies, and hidden passports and money, but it was at that moment Tim decided he didn't want any of that. Even if he ran he would be found out someday, no matter how much he payed to people someone would talk. There was only one exit, but he couldn't finish without one final portrait. After that encounter with the boy Tim began creating a great machine. It was more than a death-trap, it was an artist's final design and desire and dream. He knew that the only way to create a perfect painting was with his own body, and so he created something to do just that.

After his masterpiece was done he waited, and waited, and waited. In the meantime he grew more sloppy, making more and more open kills, leaving splatters and witnesses, but it didn't matter. People loved his work just as they always had, he was revered as a new god in the art world, one with paintings so daring in execution that he was called a genius, and one of a kind. Tim knew all of this, he knew all of it before he showed his work to anyone, but they wouldn't appreciate his true genius until they knew how he made his work, until they knew all the pain and suffering that went into it.

Eventually he decided the world was too stupid to figure it out on their own, and Tim set up a special gallery to showcase all his best work up until that point. He set up his machine as well, so they would know, they would see, and they would realize what they had been lavishing praise upon. The night went well, with hundreds of art critics and connoisseurs alike, and as the evening drew to a close Tim went out on stage and talked to the people. He said how they were all so special, that they would be his final exhibit. His work wasn't complete until someone had seen it.

With that he activated his machine and he was lifted up to stare down at all the onlookers who oohed and awed. His hands were then impaled with huge nails and blood splattered across the white canvas behind him. It was only then that people realized what was happening, though many still thought it was part of the show. For Tim it was. His machine was then activated and in a flurry of strikes and flourishes the canvas behind him was quickly filled up with his final moments.

The terrified onlookers then began to panic, and the final bomb dropped. He had kept the bodies of his kills for many months, and with his final breath their bodies dropped in front of the artists who loved his work even though they didn't know what it really was. When they saw the truth they were sickened and disgusted, but some still applauded him, even as they wretched publicly. He had done something that no one else would ever do. Tim had created life after death, and in his final moments he had created a masterpiece.

Tick Tock

The time ticks away
I don't know where it goes
Someday maybe
I'd like to find that place
But not now

I wish I could take it all back
No
That's not right
I'd take most back
Not all though
There were good times

I want to go back
Back when everyone lived and
No one was dead
Now they're all gone
Dead
Forgotten

Doesn't really matter though
I don't mean it
It's fine now
I lie to myself everyday
To make it better
To make it worse

In the end it all comes back
Doesn't it?
Just grains of sand
Tick
Tick
Ticking away

That Escalated Quickly

'Honestly I had the best time tonight, I think it might have been the best day of my life. If I died tomorrow I would die happy.' That was the last thing I ever heard from Tom. That's not to say it was the last time I saw him, no one ever really saw him at the end. It's just the way it is when people die I suppose, they tend to fade away just out of vision. There was no note, nothing to explain why he had given up on us, nor a thank you or an apology or anything. I think it was his mom that found him, in the bathtub. She had it the worst really, worse than any of the rest of us.

There was no casket. Wasn't really much of a funeral either really. We all gathered around and meaningless words that no one I knew had wrote were spouted, then we all left and had dainty little foods to try to fill a whole. I don't remember what happened after that. I suppose I must have gotten really drunk, after all there was wine and everyone was doing it. Once I thought I could drown all my sorrows. When you try it for long enough you realize they just tend to float to the surface and they don't  need air to survive, they will always be there.

I remember though, maybe a couple of days later, I found something of his. Some jacket or something and I just sat there staring at it. It shouldn't have meant anything, after all it was just clothes. Tom never cared about them, I never did as well, but it became something more than that right at that moment. I suppose, it must have been a symbol to me then. All the grief, all the sorrow, all the hurt, all bottled up into that small thing. I burned it right then and there, almost caught the house on fire. Dad came in and ran out and grabbed a bucket and put it out, but I don't remember that too well. I remember staring at the fire and wishing it would just consume everything.

Suppose that was when I decided to try to do just that. I figured if it all went away then it would be better right? If everyone was dead then it'd be like no one was. Wasn't sure how I was going to do this, after all I was just a fucking kid right, just a bit player in the grand world. That wouldn't last though, after all nothing lasts for that long. Time passed and I still set out to do this great thing, to end the world. I really thought I was something, better than all the other mortals right, basically a god. A god with no followers and no knowledge and no power, yeah I was really something.

Thing I did have though, that was an idea. Turns out idiots will flock to ideas like sheep, or lemmings. Send 'em to a cliff and enough of them will say 'alright', and jump off. Cult is the right word for it I suppose. Went around to colleges, looking for disillusioned young youth like myself, tried to drum up something. Turns out it's pretty easy when the world is set up with so much sadness. Maybe set up is the wrong word, I suppose it simply invites it, it's the humans that do all the nonsense. They have children to fight with, and send them off once they're done with the whole raising thing. Plenty of kids who didn't like that, wanted some revenge.

So we got this movement, most called it the Suicide Club. Bit of a silly name, misnomer really, but it stuck and when something sticks it's damn near impossible to get rid of. So what does any rational human being do when he gets a group of maybe a thousand college students following him? Declare war on the government isn't it. So that's what we did, thought we were so much better than we were and so we declared anarchy in a little town off the side of Michigan. Our final struggle we called it. Problem was, no one seemed to care. We got featured in a few newspapers, television had a thing, and then nothing.

Worst thing for people like us was to get ignored, and it was all that happened. Made the whole group a bit mad right, and when a little insanity sneaks its way into a cult it isn't long before the whole thing goes up in flames. So we decide best thing to do is go kidnap people, start killing them. That'll get the attention of the government we cried as we rampaged through the town. Well, we were right. Got the attention of the police, the military, and a dozen armed countrymen. Turns out when you don't have guns you don't have power.

We had hostages though, and we did the only thing possible. We committed the cardinal sin, and started murdering them. That bit of madness overtook everyone and it all went to shit. The blood started pouring and it didn't end for a night. Next day comes and everyone is standing around bloody, crying, and insane out of their brains. No one could handle it, I know I couldn't. In the end one dozen died and we were all sent to prison for a very long time, especially me. It began with death right, had to end with it. Just the way of things I suppose.

Nonsense Creatures

Allow me to tell you a story. It is about the creatures that crawl from the woods, the ones that most would call monsters. It's not really fair to them though, after all they did nothing wrong. They look uglier than sin but that is no reason to judge them. They have enormous teeth that seems to be larger than is possible but they are not made for chomping on little children's bits and pieces, just made for eating the trees and the grass. They have eight little legs and two larger ones and they slither across the ground like a grotesque cockaroach, but they mean no harm in it. They only want to live just like the rest of the world, and yet they are cast out like they mean nothing.

They used to have a name, back when people didn't hate what was different quite so much. They were called the 'nowhere people', for they always seemed to be moving and no one quite accepted them. They weren't driven out though, just no one wanted to quite live with them. It might have been the slime, people were never really fond of slime and the nowheres tended to drag it around wherever they went. Part of that of course was that they were missing their lower jaw, so they couldn't contain all the liquid that built up in their mouths. The mess just kind of built up wherever they were and no one liked that. Wasn't really their fault though, they were just made that way.

I met one once who was quite friendly though. They can't speak, on account of the missing tongue, so he just kind of made noises at me. They were almost certainly happy noises though, as I didn't try to throw him out, or kill him like so many others had. It's difficult though because if they stop moving for too long they die. I grew to really like him though, as the world seemed to collapse around me and this little nowhere man just didn't seem to care. He was always so happy to see me again, like a little dog, or a significant other. He left though, because he had to, and I don't blame him for it, not really. I mean it's not easy when you only have half a heart.

I blame the Foozles really. They often showed up in the same forests as the nowhere people. They were small, and fluffy, and had just the right number of limbs. They also came in a variety of colors including pink and yellow and a delightful shade of purple. They made adorable noises and didn't make any mess. All the kids loved them and wanted them as pets, and there were more than enough that were willing to oblige. The nowhere people only came in one shade, and it was a puke blue, if such a thing exists. They drank in the sunlight dragging it away from the rest of the world unlike the Foozles who positively radiated with life. It is difficult to say how intelligent any of them really where, but I always felt the Foozles were more like cats, they knew what was going on and how to exploit it much more than the nowhere people who were always left in the rain.

One day I found a dead one surrounded by a group of Foozles. There was no blood on their hands but I could see the murder in their eyes. They are ferocious little beasts when provoked, with tiny teeth that inject just enough venom to burn, but not to kill. Apparently with enough of them though it sucks the life out of a creature, leaving it wilted and broken. This is what happened to one of the nowhere people, and likely what would have happened to me if I hadn't just kept walking. I still look back on that day as the closest I have come to death. I fear for those things even still, and take careful watch of them, especially those kept as pets. Maybe it's just my own paranoia, but I often see them staring at me with their soulless black eyes.

That's the real difference between the two, the thing that sets them apart. The nowhere people have eyes full of expression, full of the pain and suffering they go through everyday, and they are honest eyes. There is a soul behind those eyes. The Foozles have nothing, they care about nothing and are willing to destroy anything that gets in their way. It is all in the eyes really, they tell the real truth. Someone made a theory once, that all the sinners of the world get reincarnated as one of the nowhere people, though in the paper he called them Vanhooligans. He also stated that the obvious parallel is those who were good in life became Foozles, treated with respect and admiration. I think he may have gotten them switched around.

Snippets

Hello.

How has your week been?

fairly uneventful this far

I made quite a lot of friends

we bonded over our hate of the movies

and yet its oddly refreshing

because you see how far you have come, how much you have learned

World too, it's changed a bit in five years.

Difficult to say isn't it. I guess that's just life.

Suppose that's a way to think of it.

don't worry, its happening to everyone

It's difficult keeping up

yes, yes it is

I think, I need to talk, to see someone right now, and then when they are there all I want is to leave. its terrible

being with other people is tough

I should try though I suppose

it was difficult being around people you don't know all the time

for a very extended period

meeting and talking to people

I feel

exhausted

Mmm, I prefer to hide

Easier that way

its a human thing.

I don't want to be human though.

I can live with it though, I mean there's not really any other option.

Well people are bastards, just generally speaking.

What other's think shouldn't really matter,

I'm just so sick of it

and from your friends, no less

if it was anyone else I wouldn't give a shit

I mean everyone is afraid they are doing the wrong thing.

there is nothing holding us back, we can do anything we want to, really

Exactly, anything. That's the scary bit.

Well there's a simple thing about those naysayers, fuck 'em.

World will keep turning like it always has.

yep.

Unhappiness

Sometimes it is all-consuming
Others just the fly
Buzzing
Always at the ear but never really
there

Doesn't matter though
Same feeling
Just smaller
Less intense

It is not hate
not for life
more of a dull
pain

s
t
r
e
t
c
h
i
n
g

on for ever and ever

It is what fills your mind with doubt
It is why you didn't ask her out
It isn't the cause though
Merely a symptom

If you can't ask for help
You can't treat the symptom
If you can't treat the symptom
Then the cause is too far off
If it is too far gone
Then I may as well be too.

A couple poems

Who but sinners
have cried
for Satan

The saddest soul of them all
Alone
Afraid
Always hurting
No respite
No forgiveness

Noone prays
Not for safety
Not for shelter
He saves them
And they damn him

Without his hell
There is
Nothing

He stops the void
And is ne'er repayed

---------------------

The raven tolls
He tolls on whole
The death knell rolls
Across the knoll

Fire Starter

Sometimes it seems the world is on fire. No one else seems to see it, but when the reds and oranges light up the ground and the trees seem about to burst it would seem there is no denying it. There are a lot of things I would think are impossible to deny, but that doesn't seem to stop people. The collective of humanity seems to be pretty good at denying things. We don't seem to see the course of war and destruction we've set ourselves on, nor the ever increasing threat of utter annihilation through weapons we are far from capable of building let alone using.

But like I said, we choose to deny it. I suppose sometimes it is better that way. If I can't see it then it must  not exist gets a lot of people through their everyday life. I suppose it works for me whenever the fire starts, when it seems that the world should explode and eventually it does not. That's how we will survive in the end, we will disbelieve the illusion. Sometimes I wonder if the fire is not real, if that is the only reason that I'm the one to see it, not the fire department or the police or the government. That can't be true though, I'd have to be crazy.

Besides, I can't be crazy because I met a woman once who saw it too. It only made sense really, she was just about made of fire. From her hair to her boots she exuded a certain heat, one that warped the world around her and created a barrier that few were willing to pass. Others fire was small, enough to burn beneath them and give them drive but not hers, no hers shown bright through her and that was too much for the rest of the world. It was just right for me though, after all I had grown used to it after awhile. When the fires come daily they just don't bother you after awhile.

She seemed to mind them though. I remember asking her one time, when everything seemed to be going wrong and the colors were blindingly bright. She said it killed her every time she saw them, that she wouldn't be around for too many more. It turns out when your fire burns hot enough it extinguishes itself pretty fast. It wasn't her fault though, and I like to think that it wasn't mine. I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself though, I should talk about when we met. That was a much better day, the leaves were green and not black and charred, and the whole world was bright but not burning.

It was a long summer day, one of those that never seems to end, especially when you spend it outside. I was working then, just as I should be now, weeding fields to make the food come sooner for all the people who wanted it but didn't really need it. Such is the way of the world I suppose. It was just as the sun was highest, burning me as I kneeled over. I looked up to wipe some of the dirt and sweat off my brow and she appeared on a hill in the distance. I couldn't make out any exact features, merely the radiance that exuded from her. That was enough though, as I threw down my work and went over to her.

As I left a few of my fellow workers watched, then looked at the girl. Most averted their gaze, turned away from something that seemed to be so powerful it must be unreal. A few looked back to me for something like guidance, maybe searching for the reason I would abandon everything to go to something which was likely only a mirage. Even to this day I'm still not sure she was entirely real, there was something about her that seemed so much more than the rest of the world. It didn't matter to me though, and I strode confidently up the hill.

As I began my ascent she gazed down at me, and browsed the rest of the workers. Apparently dissatisfied she turned back to me and I saw her eyes, piercing me and almost burning me. Those eyes were something truly special, like the inner core of the sun they were so intense. I know it seems wrong but even now that is all I think of when I remember those times. The rest is lost to the ages but I will never forget those beautiful soulful orbs.

The beginning of something

There was a boy not too long ago who decided he wanted to travel across the country. Not too unusual, that desire to do something different, but this boy was unique. See he had no money, he had no car, and he had no plan. He figured that the whole thing wasn't so big, not really, he could just walk the place. Don't get me wrong though, this boy was extraordinary at walking, first in his class really. I'd seen him walk around the city twice just because he could. He loved moving around, even if it was for nothing, but his plan was nothing short of suicidal, and I told him as much. Didn't bother him though, didn't bother him when the entire world said he was wrong. Was just his way I suppose.

So this boy sets out, carrying a backpack with a bottle of water, a map, and a book and pens. He decided he would chronicle the whole thing. Of course I kept telling him not to go, even as he was leaving. Offered to drive him to wherever he wanted to go, to help him out with whatever he needed. Wasn't his way though I suppose, and he left all the same. I mourned for him for awhile, as long as seemed right. Figured I'd never see the boy again, and I suppose I never did. It was oh, just shy of a year later, maybe nine months when we heard anything about him.

Other side of the country someone had found his book, which had his name an address and had sent it back home. That was all there was though, no evidence of him, nor his bag. I went reading through the book, and it was longer than expected. Seemed there were nearly a thousand pages of notes, drawings, anecdotes and the lot. What does a reader do though when they're looking for answers, looking to find the truth of the whole thing? They turn to the end, so I decided to read the final entry. None of them were dated, so I just flipped to the back and found the nearest divide. It was long that ending, longer than anything else I reckoned.

-------

the world has changed now. I couldn't say when, there was a point where everything sort of mystified for me. I mean it all just went crazy right, the people didnt know what they really wanted and so they tried to get anything. I never understood that. Ive never wanted anything I suppose, so it makes sense that peoples needs mystify me. Maybe if I tried to be more human, to be less of me I would understand the materialism that seems to occupy everyone. They want me it seems, and I dont know why. Im not special, I figure im pretty much no one but thats not what they think. Maybe neither of us is really right, its all just a difference of opinion.

either way I dont think Ill becoming out of this one. There have been a few close shaves but I mean these people are so full of desire, their lust will destroy them and itll destroy me. If anyone finds this, and Im sure someone will just tell them that I loved them. I know it didnt seem that way, that at times I was brutish or cold, but it was just my way. Im sure they know that but still, I feel I need to say it now. Best way to make up for my sins would be to tell them all, tell the whole story. Some names will be changed to preserve the dignity of those involved, but all the events depicted below are true. Reading through them it seems Im a bit of a bad person, and I suppose I might be, its not my right to decide that.

I stole from a van on the first day of my travels. I had no food and they had lots, I figured they wouldnt mind. They probably didnt even  notice, they were members of the good and plenty, a happy family apart from the rest of the suffering in the world. I lied to get my way onto a train. I acted vulnerable to cheat my way through the barriers, said I had to get to my mother and father. I hurt someone in a bar. He insulted me and I could not let it go. I hurt someone in the middle of nowhere just because I could. I hurt someone and Im sorry.

------

It continued on like that for pages and pages. Flipping to the first couple of entries they were very brief and mentioned nothing like the so-called sins that the boy did. It lead to a question, did he really write that last entry or did he simply lie in all his earlier entries? I thought I knew the boy, but he was always a drifter, apart from his friends and family and me. There were a few locations in his book, if I could only find them I might be able to figure out what had really happened to him. Sometimes all we need is a little closure, even if we only find misery at the end, it is better than not knowing.

An old poem

A feast of fortune

A laugh of languish

A tear of tears

A misfortune of malice

A take of treasures

A presence of praise

A commotion of cowards

A bramble of braise

A knight's good foot forward

A rogue's stepping back

A few flights of fancy

And a mystics mistrack

A hound of the watchkeep

A dragon so deep

The fools and their castles

The lords and their sheep

But when all is over

That which is said and done

There is but one final warrior

A bastard named Death